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One of the most difficult aspects of a divorce or separation is learning how to co-parent with someone you have a strained relationship with or with someone who has a completely different parenting style than you do.<\/p>\n
Your adult dispute is not a matter for your children. Your children did not cause the problem and they cannot fix the problem. Commit to setting aside your differences, in the specific moments when you need to focus on your children. Agree not to put your children in the middle of disagreements and avoid discussing or fighting about adult topics in front of your kids. Do not inadvertently take out your frustrations on the kids or change the things you would typically do for them.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t be afraid to seek professional support. Seeking professional support does not mean you are a bad parent, or you can\u2019t get through it on your own.\u00a0 But why should you go through it on your own?\u00a0 You are not the first person to have this problem and you won\u2019t be the last.\u00a0 There are experienced counselors who specialize in this type of counseling and they can help improve your communication skills and give you tips on how to work with the other parent, in a way which is most beneficial to your children.\u00a0 There are also good parenting classes which address co-parenting.\u00a0 If you feel your children need support during the transition, consider counseling for them too, or consider family counseling<\/p>\n
There are many great co-parenting books and other on-line resources.\u00a0 Some suggested books are:<\/p>\n
Mom\u2019s House, Dad\u2019s House: Making Two Homes For Your Child<\/a><\/em>, Isolina Ricci Ph.D\u00a0(there is also a children edition to this book)<\/p>\n The Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted, Resilient, and Resourceful Kids in A Two-Home Family from Little ones to Young Adults,<\/a><\/em> Karen Bonnell<\/p>\n Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Through Divorce<\/a><\/em>, JoAnne Pedro-Carroll.<\/p>\n Different people like to communicate in different ways.\u00a0 Find a communication mode you both can agree upon.\u00a0 For some, in-person meetings end up in arguments, for others, in-person conversations are most effective.\u00a0 If you both like to text, schedule chat times.\u00a0 Google has an option where parents can share a calendar.\u00a0 This is helpful if both parents commit to putting kids\u2019 activities and events on the calendar.\u00a0 You can keep track of your custody schedule this way too.<\/p>\n If you are looking for something with more features, Our Family Wizard<\/a> (\u201cOFW\u201d) is a website\/app that has several tools to help co-parenting communication.\u00a0 OFW allows users to: set up calendars, send specific requests with requested response deadlines, send general communications about the children, keep track of child expenses, maintain important information such as medical and educational matters and it has journal capabilities.\u00a0 The nice thing about the website is that it fosters kind communication and prevents a person from claiming they didn\u2019t get communication. The website tracks log-in history, what messages were viewed and whether responses are made. For high conflict custody cases, you can even grant access to your attorney and Courts can view your communication as well. Messages cannot be deleted. Because of this additional oversight, people tend to speak more respectfully to one another and address concerns as they are raised.<\/p>\n In the midst of frustration over co-parenting conflicts, some parents at one point or another decide that they are simply going to make the decision themselves, without consulting the other parent or even against the wishes of the other parent. I\u2019m not talking about the where do we go for dinner decisions, but decisions like where a child attends school, or whether to medicate a child, or what activities the child may participate in.<\/p>\n While making a unilateral decision may create a short-term solution, this most likely will result in more serious future problems. Keep in mind that once you engage in this behavior, your co-parent will be upset and most likely will start to engage in similar behavior. Trust will be lost and resolving problems becomes much more difficult. Children will start to struggle with boundaries and may even take advantage of the situation.<\/p>\n If you are in a Court process, this behavior is strongly discouraged, and sometimes is legally prohibited.\u00a0 If you cannot find a way to be equal co-parents when it comes to decisions, you could lose the right to do so, or lose custody time or be sanctioned in some other manner. This is why the other suggestions throughout this article are important.<\/p>\n Parenting decisions should be made by parents.\u00a0 This is especially true when the divorced or separated couple transitions into new relationship.\u00a0 While step-parents or other significant relationships should have a positive impact on your children, this does not mean the role of the natural parent should be discarded, diminished or devalued.<\/p>\n If bedtime at one parent\u2019s home is 8:30 and bedtime at the other parent\u2019s home is whenever the kids want, it should not be surprising that this will negatively impact co-parenting, as well as impact the kids.\u00a0 Likewise, if there is no discipline in one home and its super strict in another home, you will see problems.\u00a0Find a way to create consistency in both households. It\u2019s okay not to agree on every little thing, but basic rules and daily routines should be as similar as possible.<\/p>\n It\u2019s challenging enough for kids to learn how to navigate transitions from one home to the other. You and your co-parent can make this easier by being on the same page. This will also help your children understand that their behavior should be consistent in both places and it will help prevent children from favoring the home which they think is more \u201cfun,\u201d which really means the home in which they can get away with negative behavior.<\/p>\n Schedules change.\u00a0 People get sick.\u00a0 Work responsibilities overlap custody time.\u00a0 Your kids will want to do things with friends that were not pre-planned. Special events come up.\u00a0 Life happens!\u00a0 While some families require a rigid schedule, a healthy co-parenting situation is one in which both co-parents recognize that sometimes the schedule needs to be adjusted.\u00a0 If both parents can be courteous in this regard, the children should be able to enjoy all those special moments and be well cared for when the other parent may not be available.<\/p>\n If you and you co-parent can be flexible, the second part is to also reciprocate.\u00a0 Co-parenting will not be effective if you request changes, which are permitted by your co-parent, and then you don\u2019t return the favor when one is asked of you.\u00a0 While it is unreasonable to expect that every request can be accommodated, if you do withhold custody for unreasonable reasons, do not expect that your request in the future will be considered.<\/p>\n Sometimes kids can be the enemy to co-parenting. They will seek things from the parent they think will give them what they want. Your children will also want to please the parent whose custody they are currently in and may say things just because they think it will make you happy. Learn how to spot these issues!\u00a0These situations can cause extreme tension between co-parents and may cause problems where none really exists.<\/p>\n If a child raises an issue with you that you believe the other co-parent would not agree with, discuss it with your co-parent.\u00a0 Likewise, if a child raises an issue with something that happened in the other co-parent\u2019s home, discuss it with your co-parent before jumping to conclusions and give your co-parent the opportunity to consider the issue.\u00a0 This does not mean you should ever use the kids to communicate for you, but it means you should go straight to the source and respectfully talk it out.\u00a0 Your children will learn that even through you do not live in the same place, both parents will work together to resolve problems and\/or make decisions.<\/p>\n Through it all, it is important is to be able to communicate in a respectful manner and to work through the conflict to resolution. If a discussion gets too heated in the moment, take a break and discuss it again later. Try to remember the good qualities of your co-parent in happier times and act in a manner which helps bring out those good qualities. Be the co-parent you want the other parent to be, whether they return the conduct or not. This does not mean you should allow the other parent to walk all over you so to speak, but if you act irrational, you are not helping yourself achieve the result you want. If you focus the narrative in the direction of what is in the best interest of your children, and not what each co-parent prefers individually, you may find you can reach agreement.<\/p>\n Liberty J. Weyandt<\/a>, Esquire leads the Family Law Practice at The Lynch Law Group. She is dedicated to assisting clients who are seeking solutions to complex family law matters. Please contact Liberty at (724) 776-8000 or lweyandt@archive-lynchlaw.pfgsandbox.com<\/a> for more information about custody or for information on other family law matters.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Strategies for Successful Co-Parenting After Divorce: A Legal Perspective One of the most difficult aspects of a divorce or separation is learning how to co-parent with someone you have a strained relationship with or with someone who has a completely … 4. Commit To A Mode Of Communication<\/h3>\n
5. Don\u2019t Make Unilateral Decisions<\/h3>\n
6. Limit Third Party Co-Parenting Interference<\/h3>\n
7. Find Ways To Create Consistency In Both Households<\/h3>\n
8. Be Flexible & Reciprocate<\/h3>\n
9. Be Aware Children Will Test Boundaries \u2013 Keep A United Front!<\/h3>\n
10. Recognize there will be times when you do not agree, and that\u2019s okay. Be resilient and keep at it, even in tough times. Your children are worth it!<\/h3>\n
Pittsburgh Family Law Attorneys<\/h4>\n